Aloha La La Land
I nag therefore I blog. Well I say/repost nice things too, occasionally. :P
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Bad day
Poor bf had a bad day with his son. I was out diving, so I only heard about what happened; he, on the other hand, had to put up with everything.
It is those days like this that makes me wonder the necessity of having kids; and it is those days like this that I appreciated him (the bf) for letting me do whatever I want with friends…
Feel bad tho…:/
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Friendship
It’s tough sometimes. I think I’m a closet loner (is there such a thing?) since every time there’s a problem between me and a friend I just drift off doing my own thing. Yes, avoidance. I don’t confront, and if this is it, I don’t argue with it. I’m not good at confronting people because nothing nice could be said in the beginning. And I need time to think and re-evaluate things whenever that occurs. (And if I were ever be angry enough that I confront? I wouldn’t even know me. And there were only a handful of occurrence in my almost 30 years of existence. Whew.)
The reason I thought this way is because a friend of mine just drifted off my life lately. We used to be close. But I just don’t hear from her and she would text and ask me if I wanna hang out in an hour. My life is not as crazy as it used to be, but I’m not a friend on call.
I admit the interaction between the two of us decrease over time (and really, few months after she got married). Mainly because I was getting tired of her complaining about her marriage. I get it, that that’s what friends are for; but after a while of all those negative crap dumping on me, for one I question why did she get married in the first place, and for two I start to question marriage. I started to get tired of saying “no, it’s maybe this; it might just be that” when what I really wanted to say eventually is “why the F did you two get married anyway?” But that’s just something you don’t say as a friend. (Or you say it when you don’t want that friend anymore?) Relationship between two individuals are between those two individuals; no outsider’s opinion counts no matter under whatever circumstances. Or I should say, outsider’s opinions can only be suggestions; the decisions would have to be made by the two individuals anyway.
And what drives me nuts is that every time after she cursed her brain out about her husband, they are completely fine 24 hrs later. My bf said that’s just their dynamic, but it’s for sure a dynamic I can never seem to understand.
So I guess I had this fall-out coming. I guess. But I’m still bummed. In a sense. :/
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Next stage in life…?
Looking at my friends who have recently gotten married, or about to get married, had babies, and all that…sometimes I wonder is that it?
Don’t get me wrong. One of these days if I find the right person, getting married won’t be as miserable as I thought marriage life would be (right?). Strangely speaking, as I’m turning 30 this year, the only “next step” I’m thinking about, is to find a decent job that pays my bill (and maybe get married). Haven’t thought about a baby yet (talked about it with the bf tho, don’t think that will happen any time soon, and there are more concerns than just getting pregnant in our situation).
Remembering the last time my friend who became a mommy recently…well…she was preaching… about how the biological clock is ticking…and we are “biologically wired” to have babies in our 20s instead of later on… and that we’re not young no more…ya-da ya-da ya. And just as the way I feel about people preaching on religions, I felt nothing. Not persuaded at all.
It’s just still weird to me that looking around, people are moving onto the next stages of life and at least most of them are…happy…to be where they are in life. Ain’t nothing wrong with getting married/having babies, but it’s still strange to me, in a sense…that’s all.
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Lately
Been sick for a little over two weeks. Good thing it kinda started when work was coming to an end, and I had two weeks off (and spent one being sick). Came to find out before the break that the hours that work is going to provide won’t be enough for the entire living expenses for me. Aside from spending less and turn myself into a true frugal Asian, I can’t think of another way to get by. So it’s job hunting time again. :/
One opportunity popped up, but it’s recommended by a classmate of mine, whom I’ve had close to no relationship with. I don’t dislike her, but I guess I don’t like her enough I don’t want to work with her (particularly knowing that she might be my supervisor and/or coworker). But ugh, it’s a FT opportunity too…what should I do…?
Haven’t been doing yoga since it’s just not nice to do Bikram yoga when you’re sick. Didn’t want to spread the sickness around (plus no mullah). Might attempt to go back next week, and try to do yoga before work like everyday (wish me luck..?). It will help me balance better physically and mentally. That I know. Just didn’t have much motivation (and energy) to do it lately.
Have a lot to think, and a lot to do. Yet the break is almost over…but yay to my graduation in May and Conference in Canada in June! The bf’s graduation is in June too. It will be fun. :)
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Things to do
Unpack and organize. If not I guess the house warming party may be held a week before our lease is up.
Pick up yoga again and start eating healthier again too. Shoot hooding ceremony is coming up in two months! Crap! (And photo shoot with friends in a month, CRAPPPP!!!)
Have nothing to really complain lately, which is good. Largely has something to do with my move. Oh yes. I moved away from that evil witch. She texted me two nights ago saying she missed me and Bebe. No you don’t.
Now if this child of my boyfriend’s would stop scream, stop stumping the stairs/upstair floor/rocking back and forth, that would be perfect….:/
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Whaaaaaat!?
I was irritated enough to forget to mention I passed my dissertation defense!? :)
That was a great relief. I made it!!! Call me a Dr!! ;)
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Irritated
Stupid ass roommate is being a bitch about cleaning. I don’t understand why she’s on my ass when she wasn’t when other girls moved out? The whole nagging thing just pushed me over the edge!! Fucking bitch. So irritated!!
On the good note, that motivated me to pack faster. I guess it ain’t that bad really. Idk. I just want myself out of this shit hole!!! :(
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Materialistic? Or just desperate?
So the other day I talked to my friend who was frustrated with the “not having bf” issue. Her high school friend got herself preggo and got married, and so my friend thought if a girl can play a trick like this to get why she wants, why not?
I don’t understand the mentality though. Why is it that she felt the preggo friend is going to get her happily ever after from then on now? Since when is “getting married and have kids” the most desirable lifelong goal for girls of my generation? And without it girls feel lost and no purpose of their lives. Why?
What I heard the most around valentine’s day, was “what are you gonna do with your bf”? Well he wasn’t here so nothing. “well at least you have a boyfriend.”
What is that suppose to mean? I know, I’ve been thru my time where I hate valentines day…but hey, it’s only a day and life goes on!
I guess I just really wish that girls nowadays will put loving themselves first. To depend solely on another person is just sad to me. It should be that you’re content with yourself and your life, and then it’d be nice to share with someone else; not live to love someone else and pray to be part of it…
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Feeling a little better
So after all the stressing last night, I feel a little better. It’s one of those moments where I cry for really no reason, and afterwards you feel just that much better. What I’ve realized, is that I’ve let go a lot of my daily functions that makes me me, and I’ve lost my calmness. I stopped yoga for over a week now, and I ate like a fat kid without working out (like that’s gonna help). The more I do that, the more depressed I feel. All the negativity comes out without regular meditation, and I just turned into this ugly person that complains about absolutely EVERYTHING.
So I’m going back to yoga this evening, and picking myself back up after the previous dreadful week. Goal is to do yoga at least three times (or more) starting next week (and eventually back to 5 times a week whenever I can). Food wise? If I do yoga I can care a little less.
Balance, meditate, concentrate.
Namaste.
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A letter
Dear neighbor,
Starting your damn Harley once in a while and only ride it once in a blue moon does not make your penis grow any bigger. You’re not hot, and riding that thing doesn’t help. (Well, that’s if only you ride it, but you really don’t). I don’t understand the rationale behind you starting your motorcycle and leave it there, started, and leave it like that for a long time. BUT IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING. STOP THAT SHIT!!!
Sincerely,
Your neighbor
